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[23 Aug 2006|10:03am] |
There's a place not that far from here
Where people go when their dreams have died
As I walk from it's faceless streets
I must be the last one alive
Where are you, you're not with me
Numb my mind with this fantasy
Watching people live and die on screen
Where are you, you're not with me
Where are you, I'm free
You left me high and dry it changed me
You lied to me now I am angry
And if the sun comes in your room
And awakes you from your vanity"
You won't find me "cause I'll be
On top a mountain pissing on your grave
Na, na, na...
There's a place from where I just arrived
And I escaped the last one alive
Where are you
You're not with me
Where are you
I'm free
You left me high and dry it changed me
You lied to me now I am angry
And if the sun comes in your room
And awakes you from your vanity"
You won't find me "cause I'll be
On top a mountain pissing on your grave
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| Could I be happy? Thankyou Bjork. |
[26 Jun 2006|01:29pm] |
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I love the manor people.
I made so many new friends.
Please let me move in.
Alcoholic friends like me are fun. Oh drinking merriness.
I was happy.
I want to hug them all and be merry.
I think the thorn embedded in my finger is starting to get infected.
Ouchies to the max.
Working every single day.
Spending money on me is fun.
I miss Cass though. Working isn't the same without her.
Firing people isn't that fun either.
I just wish that I could go back to that day when I was all alone at uni. Lying there near the water in the sun. Listening to Bjork and actually getting shivers whilst I realised how amazingly beautiful everything that I saw was. That how as much as everything is so incredibly fucked up. I could go and find myself there in what I saw and then how immensely happy I was able to feel. It was strange. Nothing seemed to matter. I felt like I was floating. Like I was up there looking down on everything. It was like someone was telling me that eventually things would be ok. The nightmares, the torn feelings, the lonliness... It would be ok. I wasn't sure if it meant that if I didn't really think about things in too great of detail I would end up ok. If I didn't let it bother me. If I shoved it all back down inside me I could try to be a better person. I just want to be able to make people happy. But then I think I need to be happy first. I'm trying. I am. I don't want to lose friends. I never want to push people away. So I'm honestly sorry. I wish that when I do get this feeling of elation. Whether it is true and real or whether substances help me... either way. I wish that I could just break a bit off and share it around. I realise that I don't actually hate anyone. I really don't. I think I get it that I get envious of those who manage to appear happy. That's all I really want.
Next time I see any of you. You will be hugged by me. I will say I'm sorry.
If you're my friend, you will hug me back.
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[31 May 2006|09:38pm] |
I think I'm going in hiding from livejournal and myspace... I'll find something new and send you clues if you want to find me.
Love you all. Sorry bout this.
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[29 May 2006|10:19pm] |
Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band
Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man
Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand
And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand
Jesus freaks out in the street
Handing tickets out for God
Turning back she just laughs
The boulevard is not that bad
Piano man he makes his stand
In the auditorium
Looking on she sings the songs
The words she knows, the tune she hums
But oh how it feels so real
Lying here with no one near
Only you and you can't hear me
When I say softly, slowly
Hold me closer tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
you had a busy day today
Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band
Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man
Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand
And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand
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[20 May 2006|05:30pm] |
Pray God you can cope.
I stand outside this woman's work,
This woman's world.
Ooh, it's hard on the man,
Now his part is over.
Now starts the craft of the father.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking
Of all the things I should've said,
That I never said.
All the things we should've done,
That we never did.
All the things I should've given,
But I didn't.
Oh, darling, make it go,
Make it go away.
Give me these moments back.
Give them back to me.
Give me that little kiss.
Give me your hand.
(I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.)
I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking
Of all the things we should've said,
That were never said.
All the things we should've done,
That we never did.
All the things that you needed from me.
All the things that you wanted for me.
All the things that I should've given,
But I didn't.
Oh, darling, make it go away.
Just make it go away now.
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| I'm trying to be 200,000 years younger... |
[16 May 2006|10:13pm] |
All these people drinking lover's spit
They sit around and clean their face with it
And they listen to teeth to learn how to quit
tied to a night they never met
You know it's time
that we grow old and do some shit
I like it all that way
All these people drinking lover's spit
Swallowing words while giving head
They listen to teeth to learn how to quit
tied to a night they never met
You know it's time
that we grow old and do some shit
I like it all that way
What a fucking hole of a day.
I hate feeling so empty and angry. It's hurting and driving me insane. It's just not right. I'm sorry... this is going to be a long crappy post.
I feel like if I can't find a place at my own house, or 'home' where I'm not comfortable... where I don't feel like I'm safe and loved, I'm never ever going to find it elsewhere.
I found out today that a reason why my father won't pay any uni fees for me, or basically hardly talks to me or sends me even a simple measely birthday card... is because my brother tells him that I never help him or anyone out... that I'm selfish...
It almost seems a bit unbelievable ey.... The sad thing is... I believe him... and I believe that my father believes him. I hate it here. I hate all the male members of my family, and the one male that I felt like was familiy, hates me. I honestly just feel like a lost little girl sometimes...
...It breaks me to say it.. but sometimes I just wish I could be a little girl who wants to climb on their mummy or daddys lap for a hug. I miss affection.... I feel like every thing here is ruining me. I want to study my music.. I want to get my teachers degree. I feel like there is no one supporting me anymore.
...my brother is so much like my father it makes me feel sick. How anyone can say such awful mean things and then expect me to drive him places or lend him money. I can't stand this... It's not normal. I miss seeing a beautiful family work. Yeah, people fight. But this is just crazy mind game shit where no one wins because no one sees things logically and no one will reason with one another.
I feel so sick... I want someone to help me. But... I don't know. There are so many things I wish I could say. No matter how much I can say that things don't affect me. They're just getting bottled up and I'm going to explode. I wish for so many things.......
....I wish I was in denial..... just to make the hurting hurt less.....
When the night shows
the signals grow on radios
All the strange things
they come and go, as early warnings
Stranded starfish have no place to hide
still waiting for the swollen Easter tide
There's no point in direction we cannot
even choose a side
I took the old track
the hollow shoulder, across the waters
on the tall cliffs
They were getting older, sons and daughters
The jaded underworld was riding high
Waves of steel hurled metal at the sky
And as the nail sunk in the cloud, the rain
was warm and soaked the crowd
Lord, here comes the flood
We will say goodbye to flesh and blood
If again the seas are silent
in any still alive
It'll be those who gave their island to survive
Drink up, dreamers, you're running dry
When the flood calls
you have no home, you have no walls
In the thunder crash
you're a thousand minds, within a flash
Don't be afraid to cry at what you see
The actors gone, there's only you and me
And if we break before the dawn, they'll
use up what we used to be
Lord, here comes the flood
We will say goodby to flesh and blood
If again the seas are silent
in any still alive
It'll be those who gave their island to survive
Drink up, dreamers, you're running dry
Lord, here comes the flood
We will say goodbye to flesh and blood
If again the seas are silent
in any still alive
It'll be those who gave their island to survive
Drink up, dreamers, you're running dry
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| Germy and the Duck that Couldn't Swim |
[15 May 2006|10:49pm] |
Once upon a time lived Germy.
Germy got lonely one day and decided he wanted a piggy-back ride from the magical land of court a la great to the room that was red. Germy asked kindly this one girl who had strange feet. She was mean and nasty when she head what Germy wanted to do. She said she would take him and throw him into the great lake and feed him to all of the ducks and evil monsters that lurked and flew in the bright lights. So Germy screamed at the girl that she walked like a duck and jumped in her belly button for a ride.
This girl didn't like Germy and not many people did. Germy's magical farts would make the girl's nose cry a lot. Germy was nice though and magically made the tears go back inside. (He'd forgot his umbrella). After awhile Germy realised that the girl and a friend of the girl were heading toward the great lake!!
Germy panicked. Germy thought for sure that this was the end.
But it wasn't.
The girls friend just wanted to see what happened if she pushed waddle the duck into the great lake.
Waddle was the duck that couldn't swim.
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[14 May 2006|11:35am] |
Last night was fun. I was loud an annoying.
But I have just one thing to say:
Thanks to Mr Steeeeve who is the first person to be nice enough to actually invite me out anywhere being one of Cameron's friends and fully knowing that Cameron would be there and knowing that it'd be ok....... It's nice to know I still actually have friends :-)
oh... p.s. i did go home (i was home just before 3pm -joy to watching scrubs with 5 people all snuggling on the couch) ...and drink! ha! ..just the one.... :-)
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[12 May 2006|09:27pm] |
Today was a power shop day for me and the Carmel.
I got The Dresden Dolls and Muse Cds.. and best of David Bowie Music DVD... ALSO I brought Season one of King of the Hill, Dogma, Trainspotting and of course.... ROMY AND MICHELE'S HIGH SCHOOL REUNION... which I brought for their dance at the end. :-)
Now I'm uploading Tool, Augie March, Dresden Dolls, Muse and Blonde Redheads etc. onto my beautiful Ipod. :-) I want to shop more... I want to spend spend spend.... Sssspppeeennndddd mmmoooonnneeeyyyy.
I'm going to go do my daily drinking session now too. Shame I'm all alone, I feel like telling jokes and being funny like a funny pants. Cause y'know... I'm ...funny.
Oh well, tomorrow will probably be my first day of not drinking in ages... unless I get home from Frenchy's and start to drink........... depends on how the night goes...
I won't really be going as a theme... although I'll just say my theme will be a people lovin' hippie :-) I will share the love with my hot orange pants :-) woot maximus
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[11 May 2006|12:43pm] |
When are you guys free? I work tues sat and sun til 9pm.........
Lemme Know when you guys can come hang out. we need a movie night soooooon!
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[05 May 2006|12:39pm] |
Is there anyone who prefers to sit around talking, watching movies, playing games etc. whilst getting drunkard... than going out seeing stupid people and getting drunkard??
Who??
...call me!
Seriously........ Who of you would like to sit around and just watch a few movies or episodes of angel on a friday night and drink if you want ...rather than go out constantly...
I want to move out to I have space... so i dont have to hide in my room from my ass hole of a brother... and so that i can give myself a somewhat normal lifestyle. that's all. seriously.... but i just want to be able to be all relaxed and casual and loungue around, drink in hand, watching movies, playing games, talking, bitching, laughing... just fun.
It's like a drug. I need it.
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[01 May 2006|09:25pm] |
You know what really sucks???
When people are rude and ignore you.
...what have I done wrong now?!
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[30 Apr 2006|11:05am] |
Last night I went out. Hails, Carms, and Ains were there, and 'the boys'. I drank lots, quickly. I most likely annoyed the crap out of people. I felt the hate. I think it was the painfully bad music they play at birdys... The drinks were good though... But I had alcohol in my system - denial. Hmm. Oh well.
This morning I woke up to my stomach and insides making crazy sounds... I realised I hadn't eaten since I had a sausage in bread yesterday morning. Whoops. So I stumbled to the toilet but passed out and woke up in serious pain. My jaw feels like it's broken and my arm is so so tender. I just thank my lucky stars that the guys who were around last night didn't leave the toilet seat up. I probably would've fallen in.
Ew... work soon. It's bad cause from all the chemicals I've been using to clean... and the steel wool I've been using too... my fingers have actually peeled so much that they are red raw. Ouchies.
I want a raise!
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[28 Apr 2006|10:36am] |
Last night was interesting... no one but me and Carmi showed up to the dinner thingy... so we shopped and then we ate and then we shopped... granted I managed to spend over $100.... dammit I have to learn to stop doing that... impulse spendage! Ahh! I think I have a problem! But hey, I got awesometastic orange pants... sexy to the max! Ha! They're my party pants! Seriously.. I think I could get someone else to fit in them with me.... I'm definately NOT kidding.
But the night was fun... and I must thank Ains for driving me to my car! Woo! Less walkage!
Tv is fun... Family guy.. wow... I think I missed a bit... so I wasn't sure why Brian was dressed in a banana costume singing about Peanut Butter Jelly! But hey it made me laugh and want to sing it too... damn lack of memoryness.... but hey... Scrubs was exciting.. so inspirational! Hahaha, it makes me think of Ains now everytime I watch it! I'd follow Ains around taking pictures of her in her Scrubs! Oh yeah.. I'm sad.........
Lots to do.. sucks that Augie March is sold out... sadness... but I'll settle for driving around the suburbs with their album on my stereo singing at the top of my lungs. Must remember to get Something for Kate tickets THIS WEEK... grrr. If I don't I'll smack myself in the head repeatedly.
What else is new... ahh, Carmi! There was something that I was talking to you about last night that I was going to go and Bulletinisate but I forgot! I suck! Haha....... oh dear...what was it!?!
Now I have to sit by the phone and hope that Loreto or the Algester People will hurry up and freakin let me know if I can be a spooky student-teacher! C'mon...... I was the model Loreto student!!!!!!!! ....ha!
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[27 Apr 2006|11:29am] |
Tonight our weekly dinner is on... I'm not sure if people are going to turn up or not. I haven't sent out messages to anyone and despite the fact that every single week I say, see you guys next week... or just come whenever.. it doesn't mean that it won't be on. Someone will turn up. But hey, I better send one out just in case. I can see me being the only person showing up.
Oh I just suck. I'm sick. In a bad way. I hate doctors though. But I should go.....
I hate the fact that I keep on getting pushed away. You don't know what you've got til it's gone. I feel like I haven't done anything right now. Like I've been annoying and rude and selfish and I stress too much and people hate me for it. I use the word hate because I know that it exists there somewhere. I hate myself for that. I hate that I now hate myself even more. How am I supposed to go out and 'love myself' and try to salvage something that I would give anything for when I don't know how and I keep getting shoved away.
Ahhh, I'm rambling again. Woo.
So I have lots that I'm meant to do. Lots..... but now I'm in some kind of stuper. Blah blah blah. Here's another stupid fucking whiney blog shit posted by Nicky.... I hope you all are ever so entertained by all my stupid fucking crap!
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[24 Apr 2006|09:33am] |
Last friday was pretty interesting. The Carmelatron and I went to Surfers, nicely missing the exit while gawking at a crazy accident and a million cars backed up... but when we got there - funness.
Until the storm!!
Hehe, it was funny too, Carmi was actually in the water.. I was being a sook and wading staring at the ginormous black cloud that took about 5 minutes to come over the beach.... So I bravely ran away from the waves and the big black cloud with Carmi back to the car.... We stopped by the portable toilet things and went 'ooh, ahh' and when we got to the car it just pissed down.
We got in the car and I started to freak out... I couldn't see shit out of any windows and the car was fogging up... then we hear *thump* *thump*.... and this huge stick bounces past.... I thought that perhaps it was hailing... and went ahh! But at that point it wasn't..... yet. We wound down a window that we thought wouldn't let too much rain in when a huge piece of ice came in.... I freaked out and nearly crapped my pants! Oh yeah... just what I needed... A hail damaged car...
But then once I got out of the crazy park and headed for underground parking, guess what!? The fucking hail and rain stopped. Heh. Amazingly my car is undamaged. I've found two teeny tiny dints that look harmless and are really hard to see. But that's it... phew!
So that was the crazy day... the night was interesting too... I ended up feeling a lot better by the end of the night... thankyou Carmi for helping me keep my cool and not make a total idiot out of myself. Things I wanted to say... well I just put them in my pocket for another rainy day when I might me 'allowed' to say them.........
Now I have to go to uni.......
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[23 Apr 2006|09:30pm] |
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Looking out the door i see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
Parading in a wake of sad relations as their shoes fill up with water
And maybe i'm too young to keep good love from going wrong
But tonight you're on my mind so you never know
When i'm broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed it
Where are you tonight, child you know how much i need it
Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run
Sometimes a man gets carried away, when he feels like he should be having his fun
And much too blind to see the damage he's done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that really, he has no-one
So i'll wait for you... and i'll burn
Will I ever see your sweet return
Oh will I ever learn
Oh lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late
Lonely is the room, the bed is made, the open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner is the only one who dreams he had you with him
My body turns and yearns for a sleep that will never come
It's never over, my kingdom for a kiss upon my shoulder
It's never over, all my riches for his smiles when i slept so soft against him
It's never over, all my blood for the sweetness of his laughter
It's never over, he's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever
Well maybe i'm just too young
To keep good love from going wrong
Oh... lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late
Well I feel too young to hold on
And i'm much too old to break free and run
Too deaf, dumb, and blind to see the damage i've done
Sweet lover, you should've come over
Oh, love well i'm waiting for you
Lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late
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[20 Apr 2006|08:59am] |
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who is coming with moi to Skinny's at midnight on the 29th for the new toooool album!?!?!?!?!?!?!
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[19 Apr 2006|10:22pm] |
To start this all off... I got $600 paid into my bankaccount from the easter weekend work that I did.... oh yeah.... so today I happily spent about $250.... just on random stuff.... and one on something that I hope tomorrow morning will make someone happy and smile..............
Memories.....
....Once I had my arm in a cast and came to school and was told that girls are not as good as guys at basketball. Of course I just HAD to prove them wrong. So I played a game of one on one on the basketball court in grade seven with my arm in a cast... and I won. Yes. I am telling the truth. I got a really awesome 3-pointer that sealed it all. I was proud. I let all those stupid boys know that I wasn't just some chick who was all talk....
....My primary school was basically just about 12 girls in my grade and about 25 or so boys... it was great.. really. I got on with the boys mostly.... It was funny, I had probably the most fun mucking up and playing "lets-jump-out-the-window-and-run-around-the-school-and-see-who-doesn't-get-caught!" I didn't. Hahaha. I was a strange one who wanted to be a musician and was so proud of all my pianist accomplishments...and my poetry stuff too! I was going to be a writer or a piano teacher...... Heh. So funny....
I miss being young and innocent........
I remember the first time I came to realise that I was really actually an angry supressed shit head.... After all the crap with mum and dad and the note and that night watching stargate.......... when joel said that all businessmen go away and travel and get lonely and find whores...... Somehow I just remember it all so clearly. I was lost. Nothing really meant anything....
I meant nothing.
What was I?
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[17 Apr 2006|10:09am] |
Augie March - The Zoo - May 3rd - $20
Something For Kate - The Zoo - May 20th - $?
Who wants to go?????? Please.... anyone... come with me.
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